The Wild Wild East: May 2007

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Wolfowitz and Gonzales Had Better Be Thanking Their Lucky Stars

You think the high-profile hullabaloo currently going on both in and out of our nation's capital is bad? Check this out:

"The former head of China's top food and drug safety agency was sentenced to death today after pleading guilty to corruption and accepting bribes, according to the state-controlled news media." -from (where else?) The New York Times

First of all, "state-controlled news media"?...Uh, is there any other kind? And second of all, in the immortal words of Frankie Goes to Hollywood, "RELAX."

Let's think about this. He's sentenced to DEATH. For BRIBERY. If we enforced that in the U.S., we'd have three politicans and two Fortune 500 CEOs left. Maybe fewer. I kid, of course. Still, it is a rather effective maneuver. Very Singapore-style. Accept bribes and you die - a very concise message if you ask me. This comes on the heels of China's increased focus on stringent (and sometimes overly exaggerated and trumped up) responses to and charges against dirty politicians, lawbreakers, and miscreants of all kinds.

One could attribute this to the Olympics looming on the horizon, but I see it as part of a general trend to increase Chinese moral authority on the world stage. And to some extent, it's working. I mean, how do you claim moral superiority over a country that executes corrupt politicians as an example to others (which would hopefully mean other politicos would clean up their acts though, I suppose, one way or another, they are decreasing the overall number of dirty politicians). Makes me glad I've chosen to stay out of political debate on this side of the globe. I think I'll stick to Hello Kitty, Supergirl, Jay Chou, and Prison Break. And, knowing what I do about Chinese pop culture, that should keep me busy for decades to come.

posted by Rachel @ 4:22 PM

Monday, May 28, 2007

Them's Fightin' Words

According to Reuters, AHEM, and I quote:

"The Pentagon report [about the state of China's military] exaggerates China's military strength and expenditure with ulterior motives," the Foreign Ministry said in a statement posted in its Web site (www.fmprc.gov.cn). "It continues spreading the 'China threat' theory, seriously violates the norms of international relations, and is a gross interference in China's internal affairs..."

Here's what happened. Basically, the U.S. Pentagon sent out a report saying that China's reported projections for defence spending this year are significant underestimates, adding that they believe China to be aggressively stockpiling weaponry and formulating military strategy outside the "usual" realms of Taiwan, North Korea, and - most recently publicized - Africa. Though, to keep things level, I must of course mention that the Chinese maintain their position in Africa is focused on "economic cooperation" (with military involvement limited to such situations as threaten Chinese in Africa, as in Ethiopia, or in cases of mass genocide, as in Darfur).

Normally, I could rant on for days and days about how the Chinese government is just posturing to deflect public scrutiny while avoiding answering the "real questions," that they can try to lambast the U.S. all they want for pointing out "the truth" but that doesn't make it any less true, and that - as a major player on the world's stage - their business IS the world's business, etc., etc. Except that in this case, the U.S. should be scooping itself a hefty portion of hypocritical pie (cousin of the famous "humble pie"). Not only are we involved in EVERYONE ELSE's business but our own(whether we should or should not be there may or may not be open to debate; however this is not the forum for that) but, on top of everything else, our numbers make China's look like chump change.

Consider, if you will, the latter portion of the Reuters article:

"In March, China said it would boost defence spending by 17.8 percent to about $45 billion in 2007. But the Pentagon report cited U.S. intelligence estimates that China's total military-related spending for 2007 could really be between $85 billion and $125 billion. The Bush administration had requested $484.1 billion for the Defence Department in the fiscal year starting from October 2007, a figure that does not include military operations in Iraq and Afghanistan."

I love my home country with all my heart and I am certainly by no means 'Chinese,' but take THAT United States. Come on - let's get it together, fellas. Think before you speak. Do some freakin' research before you go putting out Pentagon reports. At least Google some stuff. People who live in glass countries should NOT throw nuclear weapons.

posted by Rachel @ 1:14 PM

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Making Amends

Or amendments, I should say. My earlier statement that "one-handed bicycle smoking" was the newest and greatest Olympic sport was one-upped today on my way to work. The latest? One-handed cell phone bicycle smoking. That's right. The guy was balancing the cigarette and the cell phone IN THE SAME HAND (no headsets here!) while bicycling...and on the second ring road, no less (think highway).

Chinese one-handed cell phone bicycle smoker, I admire your gusto! Now if only I felt steady enough to engage in some one-handed bicycle photography...

posted by Rachel @ 11:55 AM

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

It's Just My Bowl of Rice

It certainly ain't no cup of tea...

One of my favorite sites (which - though still up and running - doesn't really post new material anymore) is http://www.ChinaRant.com. Though to be fair, if you haven't read it before, I guess it's news. Some of you may recall the "Queue Jumper" story - also a product of ChinaRant.com's volatile love-hate relationship with the city I temporarily call home. Well, they published a list called "The Comprehensive 'You know You've Been In China Too Long...' List," rattling off 301 reasons that would indicate it's time to go home. Like, NOW.

While some of these were not relevant, I thought I'd give some commentary on the ones that hit a little too close to the mark, both to give you a sense of how 'Chinese' I've become and to ensure you that I will definitely be coming home.

#12. You have grown used to the picture quality of pirated VCDs. Well that one's a no brainer.

#24. You find yourself exiting a major highway...on your bike. Hell yeah, I do!

#30. You draw characters on your hand to make yourself understood. Chinese even do this amongst themselves, so it makes me feel like part of the club.

#36. You can't put a proper sentence together in your native language. Phone calls home serve as evidence of this.

#43. You believe that pressing the lift button 63 times will make it move faster. I swear it! The elevator definitely goes more quickly when it thinks you're angry!

#56. You use the word "Ayyiieeaaahh" every few sentences to convey surprise, pleasure, pain or anger. Think the 'oy vey' of the Chinese language...

#64. You think that a $7 shirt is a rip-off. Well it IS...

#74. You are no longer flinching every few seconds in a taxi ride. It's actually becoming sorta fun, though I pretty much bike everywhere now.

#98. When you take a cab, you give play-by-play driving directions to the driver. In fact, I have it on record from several drivers (who, frustratingly enough, INSISTED I had no idea where I was going) that I know Beijing better than most Beijingers. Score one for me!

#102. You can pick up any type of food using just your chopsticks... even peanuts. In any kind of sauce. I can even get individual grains of rice! I've been trained by the best.

#110. You no longer wonder how someone who earns US$ 400.00 per month can drive a Mercedes. Knock-off Mercedes, anyone? I kid! I think...

#112. You accept without question the mechanic/handyman's analysis that your [fill in item here] is "broken" and that it will cost you a lot of money to get it "fixed." Which is why I now try to do all my own handiwork. If all it takes is a screwdriver or a wrench, just call me the Chinese Rosie the Riveter.

#113. You find that it saves time to stand and retrieve your hand luggage while the plane is on final approach. This really only works on domestic flights, so be wary.

#117. You regard traffic signals, stop signs, and fake watch peddlers with equal disdain. They interrupt my cruise control flow!

#128. You would rather SMS someone than actually meet to talk 'face to face.' It's true. I'm pretty sure my Chinese has suffered from texting people who were sitting two tables over instead of just TALKING TO THEM.

#140. You get your first case of bronchitis and you have never smoked a cigarette in your life. My first case, and second case, and third case...This is also known as the Beijing-hacking-cough-that-never-goes-away-and-just-lingers-forever-until-you-finally-get-smart-and-go-home.

#155. You have learnt how to detect someone is in a hurry behind you, and now have the ability to not only walk very slowly but also grow eyes in the back of your head, so when they start to overtake on the right hand side, you automatically cut in and walk very slowly directly in front of them. It's only fair to even the score! Hah! Vengeance is sweet...

#162. When you are able to jump the queue because the idiot laowai left 2 centimeters between himself and the person in front of him. I can scare the living daylights out of tourists boarding the subway like the best of them!

#174. You start calling other foreigners Lao Wai. Many times. And not jokingly, either.

#199. You ask fellow foreigners the all-important question "How long have you been here?" in order to be able to properly categorize them. Anyone under 5 months ain't got nothing!

#204. You can swear in 3 different dialects. Cabbies LOVE that...

#205. Pollution, what pollution?

#211. You stop enjoying telling newcomers and tourists "all about China." It's a really big country with lots of people and really good, cheap food. There. Satisfied?

#224. There are more things strapped to your cycle than you would ever put in a car. Imagine this: two bags of groceries, a medium-sized room fan, a mop, two folding chairs and a set of pots and pans. Literally everything but the kitchen sink. I thought I would die. But it beats paying cab fare!

#227. Your family stops asking when you'll be coming back. They haven't yet. But they will.

#235. You speak Chinese to your foreign friends. Most times, I can't remember how to speak in English anyway.

#238. Chinese stop you on the street to ask for directions. True story. Once I even explained the entire bus system to a nice old Chinese man from Henan. He invited me to dine with his family. In Henan. I politely declined.

#241. The shortest distance between two points involves going through an alley. Especially during rush hour.

#248. You realize that smiling and nodding is Chinese body language for, "Go away; leave me alone." Actually, that one works all around...

#252. It has been at least 18 months since you used the word "tacky" to describe anything. Sad but true.

#266. You think of "salad" as diced apples in mayonnaise. I still prefer fresh vegetables. Order salad from a Chinese restaurant? I dare not!

#286. You get offended when people admire your chopsticks skills. Yes - I'm foreign AND I use chopsticks. Quite well in fact. The two things are NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE, you know!

#287. You compiled a 3-page list of weird English first names that Chinese people of your acquaintance have chosen for themselves. My favorite one? Sean and Jason will remember this one: Sunny-like. Not just Sunny. Sunny-like. Makes me think of Sunny-D every time...
Close runners-up include Blade, Dooger, and Zeke. Oh and - by the way - Zeke is a girl.

#293. You always get a seat on a bus. Because I'm just awesome like that.

#294. You cannot say a number without making the appropriate hand sign. THAT one I can actually appreciate - otherwise I would've definitely overpaid at the bargaining tables!

Hopefully, this gives you a sense of the current state of my life in China. Any questions or additional comments should be addressed to the management.

Oh, and as a final note, I've added a guestbook to the upper right corner of the homepage. Feel free to write comments, questions, a quick NON-OBSCENE note (you know who you are...)

posted by Rachel @ 4:06 PM

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Chinarella and the Fuzzy White Slipper

Once upon a time, there was a gentle and fair young maiden named Rachel. Rachel lived in a chaotic city in a distant land, far far away. One Saturday afternoon, she was sweeping and cleaning (there are no ugly stepsisters, but her mother would be happy to know that my apartment is clean. I mean, her apartment...oh nevermind.), when she received a note on a mystical device that receives strange characters from far abroad and...this is stupid. Okay - she gets a text message. There will be a gathering at Ye Olde Durty Nellie's Irish Pub for the FA football championships betwixt Chelsea and MANCHESTER UNITED! HUZZAH! Ahem. Sorry about that.

Her rooms are clean and - thankfully - there are no mice or birds inside the abode to sing and/or help her dress, as that would be really creepy. She slips on her shoes, grabs her purse and heads out the door. Alas, she has no carriage as that would cost her 10 kuài and she is but a poor young girl (and her cool new electric bicycle is parked beneath the building, which is majorly má fán to take out...).

So she walks. She strolls along merrily (for about half an hour) and not long after, the pub comes into sight. She can see the bright lights awaiting her. But just then, the unthinkable occurs. She feels a tug. Then a yank. And suddenly, a foot that moves light as air - she has but one shoe! Whatever shall she do?!

She hobbles to her friends whom she has spotted at a nearby table, and when they see this sorry young maiden, they laugh at her shoelessness. But she scolds them for this malice and strikes pity and sympathy into their hearts. She argues until, at last, drunk Sir Adrian offers to find her another in the dark of night. Off he goes as Rachel chats with Sir Frank, who is at that moment partaking in a feast of hamburger and french fries.

Ten minutes later, he has not returned. Nor in fifteen or twenty. Where has Sir Adrian run off to? Thirty minutes passes and, finally, his visage reappears in the distance, triumphant. He sits down and delicately hands Rachel two plastic sheaths. Inside are white, fuzzy slippers.

White fuzzy slippers?! From the Kempinski Hotel? How luxurious! Sir Adrian, it turns out, found a former student of his working the lobby. How's that for guān xì？And so, she cheered on the footballers the whole night through in her comfortable-as-sin white, fuzzy Kempinski slippers. That is, until Chelsea took ManU in the end. At which point her overly drunk, visibly unhappy comrades decided the pub was too depressing and left for greener bars. I mean pastures.

The End.

posted by Rachel @ 5:20 PM

TRUTH?!

You can't handle the

Who remembers that old thing? Talk about dusting off old antiques from the attic...whew!

Well, I wish they would resurrect it here in China. Actually, you get used to the smoking after a while. After all, a love of or tendency toward smoking is quite common in many countries around the world. But the thing I don't get, the thing that annoys me the most, is a bicyclist with the handlebars in one hand and a cigarette in the other. What? You couldn't wait ten minutes? Or at least pull over to the side of the road?

Not only is one-handed bicycle smoking (which sounds like my favorite new Olympic sport!) dangerous. Especially since the Chinese - generally speaking - are bad enough in the traffic and transportation department without devoting half of the balance in their upper body - and most of their attention - to smoking a cigarette. But they consistently blow smoke in the face of the person cycling behind, which - on numerous occasions - has been me. I'm already getting the black lung. I don't need cancer and emphysema, too.

Wow - I've been ranting a lot lately. Perhaps it's time for a vacation. Or my nap. Makes me actually miss Laiwu...

posted by Rachel @ 5:07 PM

Monday, May 14, 2007

I Mooove to Remooove this Legislative Mooovement!

Because it's a post about cows! Get it?

The latest in silliness from Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick, care of the Boston Herald: "Governor Deval Patrick has filed legislation to declare a 'dairy emergency' and distribute $3.6 million among the state's 179 dairy farms."

I repeat, a DAIRY EMERGENCY?!

What's next? We declare a war on vegans? We raise the 'dairy threat level' from 'white' to 'sour yellow'? Bono writes From Our Hands to Your Hooves, a 'dairy ditty' paying tribute to the floundering American dairy industry? What WILL these people think of next...

posted by Rachel @ 4:20 PM

Studying For Standardized Tests CAN Be Fun. Wait, Don't Laugh. No, Seriously. I SWEAR.

Some people may scoff at that statement, but I'm sticking to my guns on this one. And having taken the PSAT, SAT (both I and II(s)), ACT and LSAT - and now moving onto the GMAT - I find myself as something of an expert on the topic. It is statements like the following, plucked straight out of my McGraw-Hill GMAT prep book, that make all the drudgery at least a smidge more comical:

"The GMAT includes these passages [dealing with either women or a minority ethnic group] in part as a response to long-term criticism that the specific subject matter of its tests provides an advantage to white males. The question of whether these minority-themed passages rectify this historical imbalance is outside the scope of this book, but what is relevant to this book is that these reading passages invariably present minority groups in a positive light. If you see an answer choice that suggests something negative about a minority group, you can be sure that it is the wrong answer."

No joke. Word-for-word, verbatim. So I'm guessing Treason and The Way Things Ought To Be are off the reading list, huh?

NOTE: Clicking on the books' titles will take you to their respective Amazon.com pages. Allow me to say that I in NO WAY endorse or support their politics or ideologies. If anything, I suppose I should've linked them to the "Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh Are Insipid Bigots Who Wouldn't Know a Quality Human Being If One Slapped Them Across the Head Repeatedly For An Hour" website. They probably wouldn't even feel it. Their nerve endings are that dead from being unfeeling, self-centered idiots. And now my rant is done. Thank you.

posted by Rachel @ 12:39 PM

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Chariots of Garbage

Driving down the roads of Beijing, as I do rather often these days, it is common to see big carts (usually brown or blue) attached to bicycles, ambling down the avenue.

These belong to the street sweepers of Beijing. There's one for almost every block you pass. Part of the reasoning behind this is the tendency of the Chinese to litter. They have not yet been indoctrinated with the whole "Give A Hoot, Don't Pollute" spiel. You can tell how effective the EPA's "advertising" has been in the U.S. by the very fact that I still remember it from my television watching at age 7. But I commonly see the nonchalant discard of a wrapper or flick of a cigarette in plain view, only to be scooped up but moments later by one of these quick and agile creatures (I think this is turning into an episode of Crocodile Hunter: Beijing Edition - all it needs is a "Croikey, 朋友!"). Funnier, of course, if you speak the language.

Getting back to the point, while on my way to work today I got stuck behind this scooter that was just inching along. Since my personality dictates that I be impatient and attempt to speed ahead of any who get in my path, I managed to slide in beside him and slip around in front. But when I took a quick glance around, I realized WHY he was merely plodding along.

He had one hand on the handlebars. In the other, a rod with a sharp, pointed end. As he approached a piece of styrofoam on the ground he stabbed it and flicked it back into his garbage bag, all while continuously gliding forward. Would that not be the coolest job ever? Spending your days riding around the city on a small motor scooter, playing "Litter Polo" with a sharp instrument that can be used to frighten off small animals and children? Awesome.

Sorry, Mom. Change of career plans. Shame you had to spend all that money on a private top-tier university...

Perhaps in a later post, I will formally introduce you all to the rules of the latest outdoor gaming trend that's sweeping this Chinese nation (care of yours truly), "Litter Polo."

posted by Rachel @ 2:05 PM

Men (and Women) of Honor

I have to say that by and large, one of the most interesting things about living in China is actually LIVING in China. The experience of finding an apartment in Beijing (and all the particulars that go along with it) is miles apart from that in the U.S. - or from what little of it I know. I've already recounted my experience with apartment hunting (though it was thoroughly plagued with other bureaucratic pestilence like visas and, you know, trying to be employed). Now onto round two, the actual "being in the apartment" part.

Though rent on my eight-month lease is paid three months at a time (the last one being two months and an opportunity to renew), all utilities are paid monthly. And from what I knew of utility payments for water and gas in China thus far, someone from the respective company would come by your apartment, check your meters, and leave you a bill to be paid at a bank that is in cooperation with the (state-owned) company. Usually, ICBC or Bank of China will do. In my last apartment, they always dropped by nice and early, around 7AM on a Saturday (and bear in mind, when I was living there and working at the bar Friday nights, I usually didn't get home until after 3...). Nonetheless, it was easy because I was always around.

But now? Now, during the week, I commute to work (which I've gotten down from an hour to 40 minutes, thank you very much). And despite this extra speed, with the trip to work and just generally being a busy person, I'm never really in the apartment unless I'm sleeping. So imagine my disappointment when I saw the 通知 (a sort of posted notice or announcement) next to the elevator that said workers would be coming to check the gas meters the next day on the 8th - a Tuesday. Before the elevator arrived to take me upstairs, that was all the Chinese I managed to read. I figured the next time I went downstairs, I would take a couple moments to fully read the notice. The next time I was heading out and read it again, I got to the next part, underlined in red marker. Essentially, it said if you're not going to be there, put the amount on the door.

Wait...what?! Come again? If you're not going to be there, write an amount on the door and that's how we'll charge you? I bet NO ONE takes advantage of THAT. Nonetheless, knowing I would be at work, I went yesterday morning to look at the meters, figuring that I understood what the notice was saying and that leaving the amount on the door was sufficient. However, my "new" apartment still used a meter with "old" dials.

My last apartment had a numbered meter (that looked sort of like an odometer), whereas this place had three dials in a triangular formation marked "100," "10," and "1." It looks something like the above, except A LOT grimier and bearing barely discernible, faded writing. The readout on the machine looks something like this below, minus the "1 MILLION" dial all the way on the left. And remember - grimy and faded. It just wouldn't be my apartment without the grimy and faded...

I figured that these were the hundreds, tens, and ones places of the amount I was supposed to give the gas company, but since I wasn't sure (and I was assured by my Chinese friend, Candy, that a day made no difference), I thought I'd ask some people at work.

I came home that night to a note on my door with a big red stamp on it and some Chinese writing. Now, the stamp I recognized as the name and phone number of the gas company. However, the rest was handwritten and I'm not quite good enough with written Chinese to understand the horrible, illegible handwriting (think a doctor's, times twenty) that was on this scrap of paper stuck to my door. I doubt they figured some American novice Chinese speaker was living there. So I brought the note into work this morning. Turns out, the note was just saying that during the daytime, I should call the number on the stamp and in the evening, I could call the number on the bottom to tell them the levels of my gas meter. Cool, no?

They must have quite an honor system going. I have noticed it before in small ways, like on the bus. Though the fare-takers are usually pretty aggressive in pursuing people, they become more anxious and hostile about getting their money or making sure you've swiped your card when someone like me comes on the bus (because apparently, as a foreigner, I have no sense of morality) than when other Chinese board. And it seems even when the buses are packed like sardines, people are still quite honest about paying their fares. I even saw someone pay after they had already disembarked at their stop. It is a bit different in that, with the gas company, you're paying for an actual product (colorless and (nearly) odorless as it may be), whereas on the bus, it would continue to run regardless of whether one more person came on or not. So without cameras, the bus people wouldn't know the 1元 difference. But still, it's a fairly coherent theme so I'll run with it.

I think it's nice that there's so much trust here. The more I think about it, the more I realize that such a system would never work back home. They would still have to send someone out to check the numbers. But to level the playing field, I think the U.S. system is more efficient (surprise, surprise). The meters are outdoors and accessible without having to be checked on-site, apartment-by-apartment, every month. Plus, I can pay my bills online. I think we're still more than a hop, skip, and a jump away from that here. I can only dream of making utility payments in my PJs. It's things like that and not having clothes dryers that make me miss home. Oh, and I suppose there are a few people I wouldn't mind seeing again either.

posted by Rachel @ 1:24 PM

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THE WILD WILD EAST: Everything you never knew you didn't know about life on the other side.

In China, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The Chinese, who call this land "home," and the expats who migrate here. My name is Rachel. I am an expat. These are my stories.

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